Setting Boundaries With Others

This is another post in our series based on Desiderata. Today’s guest blogger is Dr. Ragan from Psychology of Clutter. Our series will continue throughout the month of October.

“Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.”

We do not have the ability to control others. Some people try to manipulate through intimidation, threats, and other toxic behavior. While these behaviors may work in the short term, they eventually lead to resentment by others and isolation. Although we cannot control others, we can teach others how we want to be treated. When people do not behave appropriately, the most effective response is…nothing.

Nothing does not mean do nothing, it means to refuse to engage them. This is an active process. By refusing to engage people who are loud and aggressive, they are not getting their needs met. People tend to act like this as a means to get others to behave in a certain way, regardless as to whether it is just to shut them up. By pulling away you have now established that this behavior will not work with you. If the individual wants to interact with you, they will change their approach. This may take some repeated trials if you have responded in the past or if the person is used to getting his or her way. The bottom line is that this behavior has to be ineffective in order for it to stop.

As I wrote in the post “Saying ‘No’ to Difficult People” if a person pushes a button and gets the desired response, he or she will continue to push the button. You have to teach loud and aggressive people that, for you, that button is broken and the elevator isn’t coming.

People who refuse to change their behavior even though it no longer works, will need to be considered for relationship disposal as noted in the Relationship Clutter post. There is no need to feel guilty about disposing of an unhealthy relationship. You are simply caring for yourself and giving the other person an opportunity to learn that this behavior is not effective with everyone, especially not you. You need not be an Emotional Sponge and tolerate Psychic Vampires simply to avoid conflict. Refusing to engage negative behavior is the epitome of conflict resolution.

Every individual deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. When faced with a loud or aggressive individual, you are being denied this decency. There is no reason to behave this way or accept this behavior from others. People can and will change when required.

I encourage you to read through all of the Desiderata Series on Every, Every Minute starting Monday and actively participate in the discussion.